On Connecting with People
I’ve been collecting little blurbs and bits of advice throughout my life and aggregating them into an iPhone note. Some came from books, some from conversations, and others from watching people who are especially good at connecting. Socializing is hard, but maybe these can make it a little less awkward. I figured I’d share a few of them here.
Reach Out Without a Reason
Normalize reaching out to people out of the blue. You don’t need a special occasion to send a message. A simple text, sent with warmth and familiarity, can go a long way.
Try something like:
- “Hey, I was just thinking about you,”
- “You’ve always been so good at…,”
- “Last time we talked, you mentioned…”
Messages like these signal care and attention, and they’re rarely unwelcome.
Ask Questions Genuinely
Ask questions, and ask them genuinely. There is an old idea that still holds true: People tend to like you more when they feel liked by you.
Too many conversations today feel like parallel monologues. One person shares a story, then the other responds with a story of their own. Real connection happens when curiosity replaces performance.
Remember What Matters
After meeting someone for the first time, write down their name and a few details you remember about them. This simple habit trains your attention and strengthens your memory.
People feel seen when you remember their name. Those small details give you natural topics to revisit or questions to ask later.
Presence Counts
Presence matters, too. If you want to come across as credible and confident, reduce unnecessary movement. Limit fidgeting and avoid touching your face.
Even small gestures, like scratching your nose or constantly shifting, can unintentionally signal discomfort or dishonesty, even when none exists. Besides, they can be distracting to the listener.
Be Intentional With Language
Language choice is another quiet lever of influence. When you want an answer, avoid phrasing that makes it easy to say no.
Instead of asking, “Would you join me?” or “Can I take Friday off?”, try “Can you do without me on Friday?”. This framing clarifies the decision and does some of the mental work for the other person.
Shift the Focus
The same principle applies to everyday speech. Rather than saying, “That’s a great question,” try “You’ve asked a great question.” Instead of “The result will be…,” say “You’ll see the result when…”.
Shifting the focus toward you makes your words more engaging and personal.
Interestingly, studies have shown that residents of mental institutions use “I” and “me” far more frequently than the general population. While extreme, the insight is useful. Language centered entirely on the self creates distance.
Using “you” more often pulls people in and presses the pride button, in a good way.
Start sentences with “you” whenever it fits. It is subtle, but powerful. Think of it as a small adjustment that changes the entire flavor of a conversation.